So, how are you feeling?

I’m pregnant.

And here is how I’m feeling about it.

This baby has always been part of the family plan. Before getting married, Mr. Sexy and I decided we wanted to have two kids together, and then adopt, and then call our family complete. Our plan couldn’t be more perfect, and so, Denai was conceived right on schedule. Literally. Her birth was very well planned.

However, when Mr. Sexy and I made our family plans, I didn’t anticipate our family dynamics to turn out so complicated. It makes sense that they would. As I like to say, “We are a very well blended family.” We share custody of Michael, Marie has Down syndrome and is also from Mr. Sexy’ previous marriage, then there is Denai who rounds it all out by being absolutely abnoxious. Then again, I take credit for that.

Easter, 2014

When Denai turned 18 months old, I allowed the notion of going off birth control to slip my mind. It seemed too soon – and I just knew I would probably get pregnant quick. Truth is, the idea of adding to our family was not enticing. On the other hand, I could already see how nurturing Denai was and how wonderful it would be for her to have a younger sibling. Not to mention how badly Michael wanted a brother. I flip flopped constantly on how I felt about getting pregnant for a third time. I could sense it would be the hardest pregnancy because while Michael was easy to carry, Denai did things to my body that still haven’t quite fixed themselves yet.

The beer was empty!

Mr. Sexy and I talked about getting pregnant all summer. I would see a newborn at the store and get the fuzzies – but that didn’t last even a minute – because then the baby cried. And there were other kids the mom had to think about, too. Or I would be enjoying the serenity of camping life and think, I could be pregnant and still enjoy this. Then two of the kids started fighting over a bike while another kid threw pine needles in the fire and then another kid started screaming because there was a bee. That’s when I woke from my stupor, popped open another beer, and thought, Shit, what was I thinking?

As summer started turning to fall, and Denai was getting older every day, I started to feel frustrated that we weren’t following our family plan. Having a plan is amazing because then you don’t have to think about what’s next. You just DO. But Mr. Sexy and I weren’t doing, that is, we weren’t making any choices leading to the possibility of another baby.

I finally made the big appointment. I brought Marie and Denai with me as support. Well, that and there was no one to watch them. While it was a straight forward appointment and the ladies were all very nice, it was emotional for me as I was still very much on the fence about our Sexy Family Plan. I went home to an excited husband, yes, excited on all counts. I wasn’t pregnant yet, so drinking that night per our usual routine was of course acceptable.  And needed.

My emotions got the better of me and I spilled the beans about how completely torn I felt about officially being on the market for another baby. I’m a girl who likes to have options. Tell me I can’t do something, I want to do it. I have been that way as long as I can remember. You’re telling me I can’t date? Watch me have my first two boyfriends and you won’t have a clue. Marijuana is now legal? Awesome! But, then again, I’m not much of a smoker. So, with many tears, I blubbered through all my insecurities about having another baby. And I was honest.

Summer, 2015

I admitted how selfish I felt about the whole thing. How I wasn’t sure I wanted to give up being able to drink what I want, eat what I want and just do what I want. I felt unsure how friendship dynamics would  change with a screaming infant hanging around us. We already had three kids sharing a bedroom, was it insane to add a fourth? Not to mention all the seemingly simple pleasures in life I enjoy – like pooping regularly. Ok, that might be TMI for some readers, but a regular poop schedule is a missed luxury during pregnancy. Then there are those simple annoyances, unable to paint my toe nails, back pain, the waddling (ok, that one is hilarious), and let’s not forget all those hormones.

It’s not like all this goes away when I pop the baby out, either. Having a baby requires so much selflessness. I just don’t feel like being selfless these days. Mr. Sexy has even mentioned that breast feeding isn’t a requirement. It’s nice that I have a supportive husband – not all women have that. So, in a sense, he gave me an option I didn’t think I had. But I won’t take it. I have always liked breast feeding if for no other reason than it’s cheaper than keeping formula in the house. It just means I still have to be careful with how I treat my body. Again, that selfless versus selfish issue I’m struggling with.

This post has now taken me almost two weeks to write. It has been hard to figure out how to put all this in words that (hopefully) won’t offend anyone. I’m sure there may be many a person appalled at my lack of excitement and all this complaining about this baby that is officially on its way.

Ironically, through all this thoughtful writing, I have, in a sense, come to terms with the fact I am indeed pregnant. All this time has helped me work through much of my angst. I started talking about my baby shower with a friend already – and parties always get me excited – so that helped, too. I know excitement will grow as we find out the gender, prepare the nursery and as I feel this little nugget growing inside me. In fact, I swear I felt a kick last night. Believe me or not, I don’t care what you say. I felt my baby move inside me.

I am slowly becoming content with my changing life style. I am learning to cope through something other than beer or vodka (I’m sure my in-laws will be over the moon to hear that part). I continue to struggle deeply with all the issues that pushed me toward alcohol – but instead I grab caramel ice cream, fat-kid chips and an ice cold Diet Coke while I veg on Netflix.

My hair is full of life and shine, at least, that’s what I tell myself because that’s what is supposed to be happening. One thing I know for sure is that my nails are in amazing shape. They are strong and growing beautifully. The kind of nails I have always wanted to have – naturally. I also get to start seeing what maternity clothes fit and when I have a “fat-kid” moment, I can just chalk it up to “I’m pregnant, I deserve this.”

So, there are perks to this whole baby baking phenomenon. While Michael tends to forget and Marie doesn’t seem to care, Denai loves to say hi to my belly and give it a wet kiss. Mr. Sexy is, of course, as attentive as ever. I have chosen my midwife now and we are still deciding between having our baby at home or at our local birthing center. The kids will definitely have more involvement this go around. In fact, I plan to have my baby shower family style at my friend’s new brewery. How amazing does that sound? For YOU!

Yes, I am almost looking forward to the wonders of having another baby. So let’s focus on the fun things, shall we?