Wedding season is upon us and for a few, the mayhem begins this weekend. You can read a little bit more of my thoughts on this process in the following posts:
I haven’t quite decided how to talk about recent events. Many might say it’s not a good idea because it’s so fresh. But my blog is where I contemplate what is going on in my life. It is never my intent to belittle anybody here as I talk about my life and share how I work through the good, the bad and the ugly. I actually think that generally, I succeed in this area – although there is always room for improvement. I also know for a fact that a few would heartily disagree with my last statement. And if you fall in that category, then stop reading here.
Okay. You are all here. Let’s get down to the nitty gritty because that’s what I’m about today.
I have a brother and he is apparently getting married this weekend. I use the word apparently because I was never invited to attend. Mr. Sexy and I were actually told there would be no invitations. So when I heard a few friends received invitations, well, let’s just say I found that odd. But worse than not being invited, Mr. Sexy and I were asked not to attend, and then demanded that we not attend.
So now memories of my own wedding planning period are coming to me. The guest list was one of those tug of wars between me and my parents. They wanted certain people invited, whom I didn’t have any connection with, and I didn’t get a say-so about it. My parents fought me and demanded their friends be invited. And they won. So it makes me wonder, where are they NOW?
There are two versions to the story I am about to tell. One is short, the other is long. Today I will give you the short story. The long one will take much more time and energy than I currently have. So, are you ready for the big reveal? Here you go:
I hurt his feelings. I was mean to him. I was mean to him my entire life. This is why the last words he spoke to me were, “I can see no reason to have you in my life.”
That’s the big reveal. Even as I write this I’m embarrassed for him, myself, and my family. We are all Christians. We are all good people. We all talk about being Christ-like. However, I cannot find Jesus in this disgusting turn of events.
This is the part where you might think I would defend myself in some way. There is no need for that. I know where and when I was wrong. I also know where I went right. I don’t need to list all my sins or shout about what an amazing Christian I am. What I have figured out, is this isn’t about me. It’s not about my brother, my parents, or any other parties involved. It’s about God and the story he is telling through all the dirt we are covered in.
I have no doubt that this ugliness will be renewed into something beautiful. I may never see it, but I know that God works amazing miracles. He has been doing it since the beginning of time.
However I still have all these human emotions: Anger. Hurt. Disappointment. Bitterness. It’s not fair. This isn’t right. Honestly, I’m not sure I can circle back from those last words I heard him say and from the pictures I won’t be in for the rest of our lives. I haven’t even started talking about my kids and what this means for them.
As my family goes through this weekend and enjoys themselves, there will be many pictures taken and memories made. I will not be a part of those memories. In the family pictures, there will be two parents and three brothers. There is no sister. What my family is telling me, right now, is that it’s okay to pretend that I don’t exist. And what my brother is telling me through his words and his actions: His life is better without a sister in it. And he is making every effort.
As you can see, I’m struggling deeply. That is why I’m writing. I have to put all this stuff somewhere because along with these family difficulties, there are other things going on as well. More about that stuff will come later, because there are things going on.
I thank the community of readers I have who allow me to share my life as imperfectly as I write about it and as flawed as I am.