I use our amazing technology to block life.
This is why when I take baths, Netflix is usually playing on my phone. Because we have one bathroom with one bath tub and no shower curtain, I take a bath every day. Baths take longer than showers. It’s hard to just get-in-and-get-out. Thus, my mind wanders and sometimes painful things come to mind.
My bath time show is How I Met Your Mother. It’s great because I don’t have to follow it closely to keep tabs on what’s going on. I actually tried watching the show and doing nothing else a few times. I wound up bored and thinking about those things I try to avoid. So, for anyone who also takes baths or likes to keep their mind occupied while doing mundane chores, How I Met Your Mother is great background noise.
This morning was the episode of Marshall’s dad’s funeral. All the characters were contemplating their last words with their family members. This show isn’t all that sappy and this particular episode wasn’t either. Yet I found myself sobbing in the tub. The emotions that are a continuous threat these days were pushed to the surface.
Disclaimer: I know that my family reads this blog and do not approve when I write about how I feel and what I think about the life stuff that effects me. But I choose to do it anyways. I do often wonder if I am crossing a boundary. But as you can see, so far, I don’t believe I am. So I’m sure the disapproval will continue.
But here’s the thing: I often feel I’m disapproved of anyways, regardless of who I am now.
Some relationships in my family feel broken. In their words, “we are beyond repair.” Hearing that this was a steadfast idea in their mind, my heart felt such incredible loss. It’s a loss and an agony they won’t understand, I think. Mr. Sexy says I feel these things because I love my family. Each parent, every sibling.
I am told through the grapevine that any kind of communication from me or Mr. Sexy is not wanted. I have been told personally that me, along with my husband and kids, are not welcome in their lives. So where does this leave us? Where does this leave me? In limbo. Unable to move forward. Stuck in a place of pain.
Believe it or not, I know a thing or two. While my age looks young, my marriage even younger, I have the ability to see the possibilities of a future that members of my family don’t seem to see. Some of these possibilities are devastating, others are good. Good is the best description I have right now. Good is enough to aim for at this point, I think.
There does also come a point when I have to let go. If events continue to progress on their current road, the letting go will have to take place. It’s not only a loss for me and them, but it’s a loss for my kids. I can’t help but hold this wish in the back of my mind: I wish my kids had family around them who desired them enough to look past the pettiness of our adult relationships.
I suppose that could start with me, though. Right?
I would hate for the last words between me and my family to be angry and hurtful. So what do I do? Call each family member and leave a voice mail saying, “I love you?” Could my pride handle that? Honestly, I’m not sure it could. I’m very flawed, you see. So for now, my blog, this small space on the internet that very few people will probably ever find, is where I will leave my last words. For now. Hopefully there will be more words later.
Even though we are petty. Even though our feelings are hurt. Even though we are angry. I will always remember the good times.
When you took me on my first date.
When you were dancing in the kitchen and I acted like I couldn’t stand you but secretly I admired you.
When we stayed up playing so late that grandma came down and yelled at us.
When you ran around naked. All. The. Time.
When you ALWAYS ran back to me to hug me when I called your name.
I love you.