Last Words

I use our amazing technology to block life.

This is why when I take baths, Netflix is usually playing on my phone. Because we have one bathroom with one bath tub and no shower curtain, I take a bath every day. Baths take longer than showers. It’s hard to just get-in-and-get-out. Thus, my mind wanders and sometimes painful things come to mind.

My bath time show is How I Met Your Mother. It’s great because I don’t have to follow it closely to keep Last Words Blog 2tabs on what’s going on. I actually tried watching the show and doing nothing else a few times. I wound up bored and thinking about those things I try to avoid. So, for anyone who also takes baths or likes to keep their mind occupied while doing mundane chores, How I Met Your Mother is great background noise.

This morning was the episode of Marshall’s dad’s funeral. All the characters were contemplating their last words with their family members. This show isn’t all that sappy and this particular episode wasn’t either. Yet I found myself sobbing in the tub. The emotions that are a continuous threat these days were pushed to the surface.

Disclaimer: I know that my family reads this blog and do not approve when I write about how I feel and what I think about the life stuff that effects me. But I choose to do it anyways. I do often wonder if I am crossing a boundary. But as you can see, so far, I don’t believe I am. So I’m sure the disapproval will continue. 

But here’s the thing: I often feel I’m disapproved of anyways, regardless of who I am now. 

Moving on…

Some relationships in my family feel broken. In their words, “we are beyond repair.” Hearing that this was a steadfast idea in their mind, my heart felt such incredible loss. It’s a loss and an agony they won’t understand, I think. Mr. Sexy says I feel these things because I love my family. Each parent, every sibling.

I am told through the grapevine that any kind of communication from me or Mr. Sexy is not wanted. I have been told personally that me, along with my husband and kids, are not welcome in their lives. So where does this leave us? Where does this leave me? In limbo. Unable to move forward. Stuck in a place of pain.

Last Words BlogBelieve it or not, I know a thing or two. While my age looks young, my marriage even younger, I have the ability to see the possibilities of a future that members of my family don’t seem to see.  Some of these possibilities are devastating, others are good. Good is the best description I have right now. Good is enough to aim for at this point, I think.

There does also come a point when I have to let go. If events continue to progress on their current road, the letting go will have to take place. It’s not only a loss for me and them, but it’s a loss for my kids. I can’t help but hold this wish in the back of my mind: I wish my kids had family around them who desired them enough to look past the pettiness of our adult relationships.

I suppose that could start with me, though. Right?

I would hate for the last words between me and my family to be angry and hurtful. So what do I do? Call each family member and leave a voice mail saying, “I love you?” Could my pride handle that? Honestly, I’m not sure it could. I’m very flawed, you see. So for now, my blog, this small space on the internet that very few people will probably ever find, is where I will leave my last words. For now. Hopefully there will be more words later.

Even though we are petty. Even though our feelings are hurt. Even though we are angry. I will always remember the good times.

When you took me on my first date.

When you were dancing in the kitchen and I acted like I couldn’t stand you but secretly I admired you.

When we stayed up playing so late that grandma came down and yelled at us.

When you ran around naked. All. The. Time. 

When you ALWAYS ran back to me to hug me when I called your name. 

I love you.

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5 thoughts on “Last Words

  1. I think all families have some of these ‘breakdowns’. I think it is important for you to decide how you want to deal with them. Writing about them on your blog and letting your family read them is one way. I have estranged family members who read my blog too. I’ve chosen not to address them. And even though it hurts that they are estranged it is much better for me to just move on. They will never accept me the way and I am and I am not going to change just to please them. The first person always that you have to please is yourself. And take my word for it…..your kids won’t miss them all that much either. Your kids are very aware of how the relationship is broken. Let go of it for their sake if not for your own. Find friends who can fill the slots that your family can’t.

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  2. oh you are not alone in this my friend. I think all families have some relationships that are broken. I know my husband and I do with his side of the family. It’s hard — especially when choice is taken from you. There’s just the slamming of a door; and that’s such a final sound. But we choose to still love and not harbour hate in our hearts either. Even though terrible lies have been said about us. Lies that somehow and why anyone would ever believe them: but many did. And no one ever came to us to hear our side. It’s heartbreaking and makes you want to slam the door as well. But, we keep ours open. there are “conditions” should that day come when they choose to walk through it and back into our lives. And I want to be ready, so like you say: I have to let it go. And you can love someone; but let them go. for now.

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  3. Oh family! I agree with Paula above that all families have some tension, although not all get to the point of estranged, unforgiving or a need to let go. I have this issue with my dad. I don’t even know why we are where we are…I have never done anything to my dad, and what I have done (know I did), I have apologized, admitted wrong, owned up to it and asked for forgiveness. Honestly, what I did was not unforgivable. As a parent, I could never hold a grudge against my children!
    My dad has never even met my second child and my children are asking questions now. I don’t even know what to say or do and I don’t want to bad mouth my dad. Ugh, right?
    I am so sorry that you have to feel this hurt. Your dilemma is very sad and hard. I will be praying for your family and you.

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  4. It’s so sad when family relationships break down. I’m glad that you are at least putting the words and feelings out there for them to see, whether they think you should or not and whether they want to read them or not. Something I remind myself of often is that I am only responsible for my actions, not how others respond. I commend you for making the effort.

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  5. Pingback: The Sister Who Never Existed | 5 Hearts one Family

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