Do you ever feel like you’re living a bad dream that just won’t go away? Well, that’s how I have been feeling lately.
You see, there is this wedding…
Just kidding. Inside joke.
You see, there is this child. She is 13. Everybody likes her. Everybody seems to want to be her friend.
Her name is Marie and she is my step-daughter. Oh yes, she also has down syndrome.
The past few days have been particularly difficult. It feels like every time I turn around she has done it again: Sneaking food, stealing things from around the house, hiding things around her room, ignoring the simplest of directions, and so on.
I have been extra easily agitated lately. Perhaps it’s the family drama that big family events seem to always bring. Maybe it’s because I feel stressed about getting ready for our trip to Texas. Maybe it’s because I’m worried about spending a week with family we rarely get to see who may judge me for all my rules with my kids, particularly when it comes to Marie. And then, maybe I’m just tired. I have had a cold for going on three weeks now. That’s enough to drive anyone a little batty I would think.
All this to say: I. HAVE. HAD-IT!
When Marie had her own room, it was easy to keep her room spare of any extra toys or items that she would use inappropriately. Now she shares a room with two siblings, both of whom take pride in surrounding themselves with everything they hold dear. To top it off, I have purposely ignored the kid’s bedroom and playroom.
But I can’t ignore it anymore.
So, these past few days I have felt feelings that I haven’t felt for quite some time. This makes me sad. I want to move past the wishes of an ugly, selfish heart. I want to remain the mom that Marie calls, “beautiful” as she walks by. The mom who can rationally give out consequences instead of punishments ruled by anger.
What I am reminding myself is this: This life I lead was NOT my idea. But it WAS God’s. He always knew I would be Marie’s mom. So even though I fail time and time again, Marie’s mom I remain to be.
It feels like a bad dream. But that’s not reality. I’m wide awake and living a good life.