I have recently found myself in the category of “mom who feels guilty.”
Last night I was feeling particularly agitated about all the kids. I think it may have started when Michael’s teacher talked to me twice this week about his behaviors. Then Denai tends to get clingy towards me in the evenings even though there is another adult around who enjoys kids hanging on his legs while he cooks dinner. And then there is Marie, a constant source of tension for me. All I wanted was to shut out the noise and not think about a child for maybe the duration of sitcom. Yet I didn’t do that. At least, not right away.
I felt guilty. Mr. Sexy had been away at work all day. The last thing he probably wanted to do was come home to three little kids who all needed something at the same time while I hide myself away and ignored everyone. I also knew that I had relaxation periods during my day. It’s called nap time. However, Denai hasn’t been napping well lately – if at all. Nap time is typically when I eat because I like to enjoy my meal with a favorite tv show. I call it my “perfect moment.” But my mind isn’t just on tv and the yumminess on my plate. It’s keeping an eye on Marie whom I don’t leave alone in any room because of her love for eating things. I’m also keeping track of the time because I regularly forget what time to pick Michael up from school. And then there’s the baby monitor which is on high right next to me so I can (try to) keep Denai in bed for at least an hour.
My life at home is not hard. I can be as lazy as I want. Mr. Sexy is not one of those who comes home demanding why the floors aren’t cleaned, the kitchen is a mess and dinner isn’t even started. However, I am not lazy in nature – although I have been struggling with laziness for several months now ( I blame winter). And frankly, cleaning house feels absolutely pointless more often than not. All it takes is one person to come through the door or one meal time and the picture of cleanliness has disappeared. I’m thankful that Mr. Sexy understands that when I sweep after breakfast, you just can’t tell by the time dinner comes around.
Yet guilt remains. Even when Mr. Sexy tells me there is no reason to feel guilty. He likes our kids! He enjoys coming home and spending time with them. In fact, working out of the house all day is very different from being in the house all day. Or in the car. I do go places. I am definitely still figuring the mom thing out. I’m three different kinds of mom for crying out loud! AND I’m a wife. That’s a lot of juggling, if you ask me.
So, I’m part of the “mom who feels guilty” club. I don’t have to be a part of it, though. Maybe tonight I’ll tender my resignation. To that lame club, that is.