I have been at a total standstill with writing for a while now. Every time I sit down to write it’ not coming out how I want. I’ve been stuck. Not just with writing, though. I’ve been feeling stuck emotionally. Overwhelmed may be a better word for it.
Valentine’s Day/Weekend is probably a great example.
I always always always am looking forward to the holidays that involve me getting pampered by my very romantic Mr. Sexy. This year, however, my birthday was overlooked by me. (yeah, my birthday is a holiday) Mr. Sexy was the one who kept reminding me my Big Day was coming. He had really fun plans for us but then I wasn’t feeling well.
Valentine’s Day was no different.
On Friday I was actually feeling excitement for what Mr. Sexy had planned for us. He always plans something amazing and seems to enjoy how his plans always change last minute and always has great stories for me about it. Well, no offense to him whatsoever, but Friday started off not that great. I pretty much spent a lot of the day feeling sorry for myself as my facebook wall was covered with girls posting pictures of flowers and sweet gifts. I hadn’t received any flowers or chocolates; not even a love note. I was sad. I knew Mr. Sexy had plans for us that evening; but I still felt disappointed.
|From early last week.|
Looking back I believe my emotions were completely out of whack. Even as I was going through them I knew I was being silly because Mr. Sexy does wonderfully romantic things for me all the time. I get flowers from him just because he feels like it (providing we have money in the bank ;p).
So when I picked him up from work after driving for half an hour with Miss Denai crying because she hates driving as much as we sometimes do, I nearly broke into tears when he pulled a bouquet of one dozen roses out of the trunk. They smelled wonderful. Once again, my emotions were overwhelming – this time in a more positive direction.
That’s when I started pressing him to find out what our definitive plans were for the night. He really likes the surprise and prides himself on knowing me well enough to cater our plans to what I will truly enjoy. And that, my friends, is why his plans are ever-changing. He is always right, too. Valentine’s Day was no exception.
He did finally reveal that we would be having a romantic dinner at home.
I shut down. The disappointment was overwhelming and I didn’t know how to tell him. He did tell me he tried to find a sitter… but that didn’t matter to me. What mattered was that our house, for me, during this time, was not a romantic place, much less a place I wanted to spend what was supposed to be the most romantic day of the year. (a cliche, I know)
We got home and I followed my directions: Go in the house, take a sharp left into the bedroom and stay there, relaxing with my flowers until Mr. Sexy comes to get me.
I spent all my relaxing time feeling stressed, tense, disappointed and sad. To sum it all up: Emotionally overwhelmed.
I knew I was being disgustingly ridiculous. While I was sipping a glass of merlot, watching Grey’s Anatomy reruns and holding my roses, Mr. Sexy was cleaning the kitchen, making dinner, putting Denai to bed which took an entire hour, setting up a romantic scene for us and keeping the other two kids downstairs and entertained with dinner, a movie and sleeping bags.
I could see Mr. Sexy’s disappointment when he came to get me for dinner. Instead of getting dressed up like he wanted me to, I was still wearing my fuzzy pink bathrobe.
|The candles and set up were replicated from his proposal.|
Yup. I was definitely acting like a spoiled brat.
Everything he had done was amazing and I felt incredibly guilty for not being able to appreciate it.
What I wanted was to be taken out on the town. I wanted to be dressed up in heels and a cute little dress so Mr. Sexy could “show me off.” I wanted a chef cooking my meal so then Mr. Sexy and I could spend that time holding hands and smiling at each other instead of being in two separate rooms for two hours. I knew restaurant lines would have been horrendous but that’s part of the gig. I would have enjoyed holding hands and walking around the mall waiting for our dinner time to get closer and closer. No kids, not even a tiny cute one. Just him and me. This is all I was thinking as I sat down to my romantic candlelit dinner.
He knew something was wrong by my puffy face, my pink bathrobe and just by my demeanor.
It’s times like these where I see our marriage at work. We did think about simply getting drunk that night. But that’s now what either of us wanted. We knew there was something wrong and we needed to work through it. So we did. And it was intense. I still don’t think he completely understands why I was as upset as I was.
And honestly, neither do I. The evening he had planned encompassed so many things we both love: Candlelit dinner, dancing and one of my favorite romantic movies (that last one isn’t a fav of his).
I’m proud of us for getting through our Valentine’s evening, as messy as it was. Once everything was out in the open I finally felt the weight of my depression lift and I was able to move past barriers.
My husband is amazing. I think I really hurt his feelings. He showed it a little bit but not as much as he could have. That’s where silence comes into play. He allowed me to express myself to the fullest, yet he kept himself in check. He didn’t flip out on me. He didn’t yell at me, call me mean names, head off to bed without me or bring out the liquor. Instead he sat next to me and listened to me cry, talk, then cry some more. I saw his sadness over and over again which didn’t help me feel better.
What did help me feel better was his arm around my shoulders. Him whispering in my ear, Even though I don’t understand what you’re going through, I love you more and more every day. And finally, when I thought he was turning the romantic music off, he changed the tempo and we had a lot of fun swing dancing to some our favorite songs. We finished the night with dinner, dessert and The Notebook in front of the fireplace.
|My Valentine’s Day card.|
Even though I don’t understand what you’re going through, I love you more and more every day.
In these moments he takes my breath away and I know how truly loved I am.