Messy Space Messy Life

Someone once told me a messy living space (house, bedroom ect) is a sign of a messy heart.  In my personal life I have generally found that to be an accurate analogy.  I could even substitute the word ‘life’ in the place of ‘heart.’  Whether or not this analogy is at all accurate, at the very least I feel messy when my house is messy.

As much as I want to be able to write a fun, happy, flowery blog post this morning, I just don’t have it in me.  There are some days, some periods of life, where it feels like too much.  Today is one of those days.  This week has been one of those weeks.  And it’s only Wednesday.

Homeschooling has been a major stressor.  We have been stumbling through the program and I seem to be constantly finding something I should be doing that I wasn’t fully aware of.  Yesterday this resulted in Marie skipping her speech lesson because I just found out she had a social skills lesson at the same time.

Another aspect of homeschooling is that Marie has down syndrome.  I’m still not in a place of complete acceptance so as I spend my entire days with her I constantly and consistently try to poke and prod the down syndrome out of her.  I know that doesn’t work.  Maybe that’s why I feel so overwhelmed.  I’m tackling down syndrome eviction and learning to homeschool at the same time.

I don’t think I can separate those two.  Down syndrome and homeschool.  I don’t think I can sit down to work with Marie and not deal with the annoying fact that she has this disability.  So I guess I’m saying that if I’m not able to get past what I find annoying and frustrating about her disability, we won’t be able to move forward academically.  Hmmm That’s not where I wanted this conversation to go.

Homeschooling has taken up a lot of my time and my energy.  It’s more than I expected.  My house and the way we all eat are suffering the repercussions.  I basically don’t cook – I barely eat breakfast or lunch.  And sweeping?  Vacuuming?  Doing dishes?  Those are all staple stay-at-home-mom things to do.  That and watch soap operas with a cup of coffee right?  I don’t do any of those things.  I don’t have “perfect moments” anymore.

A “perfect moment” usually involves something very yummy to eat while I watch a favorite TV show and I’m by myself with no interruptions from anyone or anything.  I don’t even answer Mr. Sexy’s phone calls when I’m in the middle of my “perfect moment.”

I miss having those.

Also, as of 6:30 this morning, we ran out of firewood – our main source of heating.  We have a  truck we use to haul logs from the woods to our house where it all gets chopped up and thrown in a big bin by our wood stove.  We use this same truck to plow the driveway.  Well, in the midst of all the recent snow we just got, the truck got stuck and so far we have had no luck in getting it out.  There is lots of firewood to be used but hauling it way over here one sled-full at a time is a laborious process.  With Mr. Sexy working two jobs now, he just doesn’t have enough time to make everything happen.

So, life is messy.  The house is messy.  Our car is messy.  I.  Feel.  Messy.

I will get over it.  I have already opened a discussion with Marie’s teacher about schooling difficulties.  So far we are able to get up our driveway without needing to plow – although we have had a few close calls.  We drive a mini-van after all.   (Thank God for snow tires.)  And today I’m wearing long-jons and making the kids double up on pants and sweatshirts.  (We have central heating but I try not to use it because it’s crazy expensive.)

I hope I don’t sound worried or like I’m totally freaking out.  I’m not.  In fact, I’m pretty much amazing.  The stress has been building these past few days and I am not handling it perfectly.  But I’m handling it.  You couldn’t say that about me a year or two ago.

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