So often I have felt rejected, unloved and unwanted. I think it’s something we all go through from time to time. Maybe that’s why I had sex for the first time at 16 years old. Maybe that’s why I continued to have sexual partners after that. I was always looking to be accepted by my family, my friends and then by boys.
My family was hard. In so many of my decisions I seemed to be a disappointment. Well, actually this makes total sense when you realize I used to sneak out to party; I disrespected my parents to their face and was a very good liar and manipulator. It seemed that my mom and dad were rarely able to get past the anger phase of my poor choices. So it’s my opinion that family is hard no matter what kind you’re in.
Friends I always put on a pedestal as if expecting them to fill the void left by my mom and dad. In high school I looked to my best friend for support when I should have been looking to my mom. That’s a lot of pressure on a friend no matter the age. When I lost (or lose) one of these precious friends I take it way too personally. The fact is that friends come and go.
Boys were an easy scape-goat for my emotional needs. I knew the relationships were shallow and empty but I didn’t care. I wanted to feel loved. I mean really FEEL it. The kind of love that can almost break your heart in two because it’s so strong and it’s so real. It’s unconditional. Ironically, not once did I ever initiated those sexual relationships.
I only came to know this as truth through my relationship with my husband. For the first time in my life there is a person who, quite literally, knows everything there is to know about me, my past, and my secrets. For the first time in my life I’m seeing what unconditional love can look like in human form. For the first time in my life I am beginning to understand the depth of unconditional love that God has for my broken heart.
This is when brokenness happens.
It’s such a sweet pain that hits me right in the gut. Overwhelms my emotions. Life. Stops.
Brokenness finds me when I have the guts to let my guard down.
It’s brokenness that
was is my saving grace.